*disclamer: this post is heavy duty*
This week (really this month), I am really feeling like I need a little pick me up. This subject truthfully has been one of the most difficult things I have ever struggled with in my life. I'm trying not to get to personal here, but at the same time, this is my (our) blog so I can say what I want. Here goes. I have always ALWAYS struggled with self hatred. No I was never a cutter or whatnot, but I was always the first to put myself down, and the first to find things I disliked about myself.
This week (really this month), I am really feeling like I need a little pick me up. This subject truthfully has been one of the most difficult things I have ever struggled with in my life. I'm trying not to get to personal here, but at the same time, this is my (our) blog so I can say what I want. Here goes. I have always ALWAYS struggled with self hatred. No I was never a cutter or whatnot, but I was always the first to put myself down, and the first to find things I disliked about myself.
When I was growing up I never thought I had any beauty to brag about, and all throughout high school I tried really hard to 'blend in' with the crowd, trying to not stick out. The only time I really tried to be my own self was when I started working at Abercrombie and got tons of clothes for cheap. So then I became an Abercrombie girl, and hid behind that logo my senior year. That of course was not really genuine, nor being my own self. But its the bravest I ever got. I was so afraid of everyone else rejecting my, that I immediately rejected myself first. I hid behind clothes, brands, and boys so that no one would see the real vulnerable me. How pathetic is that?
Anyways, since I've been married I have woken up each morning to a man who I have always dreamed about, telling me that I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen even with bed hair and morning breath. Although at first I thought it was just part of the honeymoon phase, almost eleven months post-wedding he's still telling me how 'beautiful I am', and how I'm 'the most gorgeous girl ever'.
I want so badly to completely and deep-solely believe him, and I'm positive that in his eyes I really am everything he says I am. But there's just this little monster in the back of my mind continuously saying, 'listen all you want but it will never be true'. Where did this thing come from? Is it from my own personal training of self loathing or a challenge I came to this world with? Is this one of my divine trials I am to learn to overcome? How can I learn to see myself through my husbands eyes?
I don't know how I'm coming to overcome it, but I do know that part of adulthood is becoming confident in who you are, what you stand for, and loving every bit and piece of yourself. Even the bad bits. I'm trying really hard to search deep down to find that self love and confidence. One thing I do know, is that the best I ever feel about myself is when I am bearing my testimony of my love for Christ and that I cry every time I listen to someone say in a talk, or a hymn that the Lord knows ME, and that he loves ME.
This week (and always) I am going to be trying to find ways to love my WHOLE self. And not just the outside, but everything. I am going to show the love I have for myself by expressing that love to everyone I come in contact with. Yes, I know old habits die hard, especially being guarded and in-genuine, but the fact I'm trying is the key. The hardest part of change are the first steps. So I'll keep walking.
This week (and always) I am going to be trying to find ways to love my WHOLE self. And not just the outside, but everything. I am going to show the love I have for myself by expressing that love to everyone I come in contact with. Yes, I know old habits die hard, especially being guarded and in-genuine, but the fact I'm trying is the key. The hardest part of change are the first steps. So I'll keep walking.
People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet. ~Sa'Di
Find the way to love your plumage AND your feet. Otherwise you'll never be able to see the good, when fixated on the bad. Take a step back and ask yourself,
'what have I done that helped me love myself today?'
'what have I done that helped me love myself today?'
~M
p.s. I don't want sympathy, that's not what this is about.
I would like advice.
p.s. I don't want sympathy, that's not what this is about.
I would like advice.
2 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I have the same problem. I had a blog that is this exact thing. It's called "love your whole self." loveyourwholeself.blogspot.com. I went to education week last year at byu and they gave us this list of 25 ways to love your body. So I thought maybe if I blog about it, it will help me. It did help me somewhat, but like you said, there is always that monster in the back of your mind telling you it will never happen. I believe that through christ anything can happen. I just know that it is going to be something that I'm going to have to work at all the time. Thanks for posting this. I know there are a lot of women who feel the same. sorry this is such a long comment.
Melissa, I think you will find that most women are this way. I have been told that people see me as a very confident person, but in all honesty I am so insecure about...well everything! Everyone has something they "hate" about themselves. They key as you said is to move forward and always look for self improvement. Our goal here is to learn and grow, to become more like our heavenly father and savior, knowing that we can only become perfect through them in the end. Your job is to try, to keep working on yourself. A big part of that though is to recognize your talents, and your victories however small they may be. We are all working for the same thing. We just need to work together, instead of against each other. thats where the jealousy and insecurities spring from. Anyway, you are beautiful Melissa ;) hang in there and listen to your cute husband!
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