Friday, December 27, 2013

Letter to Hilton: two weeks

Little man this has been the slowest and fastest two weeks of my life having you join our family. The nights seemed to drag on as I tried to soothe, feed, and change you while I myself was completely exhausted. But the days went by too quickly. I have watched as you have done so many of your 'firsts': first smile as you farted (you do this regularly now), first coo as you looked outside at the light coming in through the window, first sneezes, and first smiles just to name a few.

I think back to just two weeks ago when I was impatiently waiting in the hospital for you to decide to come. What a magical and spiritual experience that was for me and your dad when you finally came into the world. I find myself wishing that we could go back to that day, how excited I was to no longer be pregnant anymore but to actually have a baby of my own, and how ready we were to become parents. Did we really know what we were getting ourselves into? We will never be able to relive that experience, but I hope we will never forget it either. At the moment you were born I had ceased waiting to become a mom, and became one. And I re-become one each day as I figure out how to calm you, how to help you feel better, and how to decide what's best for you.

I find myself wishing I knew exactly what you needed, this bottle vs. that, or if you want your diaper changed vs. you have gas. But it's all in the journey of figuring it-and you-out. I love your little soul, you are such a sweet spirit. You are well tempered, patient, and curious already. You don't like pain and I wish I could take it away from you in an instant so you didn't have to experience it. But that's the wonder of this world, we have to experience our own pains and joys, but as your mother I wish I could spare you the pains.

Mother. I am a mother. I didn't really ever grasp it's full meaning until having had you in my life. You have opened up so many parts of my heart I didn't know existed and I am grateful for the added levels of love you have brought into our lives. However you have also brought worry, what if this catastrophe happens, what if you fall and hurt yourself, what if you get sick, but mostly for me what if I'm not good enough? I often lie awake thinking, 'am I doing a good job?', 'will he love me?'. I want to be the very best mother possible for you: the one you need.

I think of how quickly these past two weeks have flown by and know that in a blink of an eye you'll be two months, and then two years old. I think of how I'll hold you when you're scared, and kiss you hello and goodbye and just because I want to. I think forward to holding your hand, helping you experience all the wonderful things this life has to offer. I hope that you'll have big dreams, I hope that you'll remember to be kind no matter what, and mostly I hope that you'll love your father and I, like we love you.

Hilton, the day of your birth was such a special day for us, but so is each day since. No amount of poop, spit up, pee, and crying could make me love you less, in fact they help me to love you more because my strongest tie with you is caring for your needs and getting to experience your innocence as you encounter the world. I love you so much my little Hilton and I will try to take each day as a gift and not for granted. And I hope that you know that I love you. I think you do as you look into my eyes when I'm feeding you or when you're content to just lay and flap your little arms and look around the room cooing. I love you little Hilton, and I always will.

Things you're currently doing:
You love to be in the swing, it's the only way I can get you to sleep sometimes
You moan and grunt when you're asleep, it's just so cute I could watch you all day
You hate sleeping lying flat on your black
You only like to have your diaper changed if its in a warm place, and cold wipes-you LOATHE those
You like having diaper cream put on, it feels good on your bottom I think
You love your fuzzy blankets, they keep you extra warm and are super soft against your delicate skin
You stretch a lot when you start waking up from napping, which is of course adorable

Daddy:loves your sweet smiles you give when he talks to you
Mommy:loves your cute stockinged feet and your many facial expressions
Hilton:loves being rocked after eating
Adi and Aspen:love snuggling with you, and you seem to like it too

Weight Gain Stats:
Birth: 7 lbs. 15 oz.
2 weeks: 8 lbs. 14 oz.

p.s. you're first Christmas went great at only twelve days old, you were so adorable in your outfit (which you didn't even get dirty all day, it was a miracle!) and everyone loved holding you and getting to snuggle with little Hilton.

Hilton with Grandpa Todd

1 comment:

Katie Edminster said...

This is so sweet. I'm glad you are enjoying being a mom. He is a handsome little man. Congratulations again.