Our blessed 2013 year

Looking back on this year it was just such an amazing ride. So many goals were completed and life achievements occurred. But most importantly I feel that my close relationships have gotten stronger. I feel that Jared and I's marriage got to be more unified, closer, and adaptable. I've grown closer to my own mother and father as they helped us buy our first house, and especially since the arrival of my sweet Hilton. My mother has shown me so many things about how to be a good mother, and it wasn't until my baby made his appearance that I grew to truly appreciate the work and life of a mother.

 
But most importantly I feel that I myself have changed significantly. I've become incredibly fiscally responsible. I'm the bill payer in our house and am in charge of making sure we save enough for the car payments, mortgage, and general bills. I got to watch and experience my body doing an amazing feat of creating another human being and being able to give birth to that most precious creation. I have seen myself become more determined by finally pushing to the end of my degree and taking the large step of graduating from college. I am officially a college graduate with a bachelors degree! Five years of tears, sweat, and blood went into that and I will (hopefully) never take the experience for granted.

 

The largest change I have seen in myself was becoming more patient. More patient with Jared, with life, and mostly with myself. I have grown to know myself a little deeper than I did at the beginning of 2013, and I hope that I can learn and grow even more in the year 2014. It's funny how so many things were unplanned at the beginning of this year, and how they just feel into place. We wanted to buy a house, but had no real plans too. We wanted to have a baby but had no control over the timing. I wanted to be done with school but wasn't ready to make the last sacrifices to make it happen. It's so true that the Lord has a plan for us and that we cannot understand or control the timing; but we can have faith that he knows what is best for us and what we need from our time here on earth.

I'm so grateful for my life, for my husband, my health, my baby, my dogs, my house and car, my job, but greatest of all I'm grateful for the belief that each day is a new day and that I can always do better today than I did yesterday. It's inspiring and that's what I'm hoping for this 2014 year. To live each day inspired and to take each day as a blessing. To the comforts, joys, and challenges that lie ahead, here's to 2014!

My emergency trip to L&D

It's not a first time pregnancy without an emergency trip to L&D (labor and delivery), or so I'm told. And I've definitely experienced that so I think this pregnancy besides needing another two weeks for baby to be full term is ready to rock-and-roll. I thought I should document this now that I'm not as embarrassed about it as I was initially afterwards, plus some of you may get a kick out of it.

Back track to when Jared went to Africa while I was 31 and 32 weeks pregnant. We went forward with the plan of this trip because A) it had been planned before this pregnancy was a reality and B) I was feeling good, baby was healthy, no red flags were presented that made either of us think I could possibly deliver while he was gone. And I halfway teased him when I dropped him off at the airport that if I went into labor right then would he stay home? He of course said to knock it off and he'd be home in a week and a half.

So it was the day before he was supposed to leave Africa to come home from him super fun trip while I had been stuck at home working and continuing on with real life. I had been careful while he was gone, double checking the doors before I went to bed, eating right and not lifting anything heavy. But I woke up that Tuesday morning and something just didn't feel right. I got up to get ready for work, noticed my underpants were wet and thought nothing of it because...let's be honest sometimes you just don't have that much control over your bladder when you have a bowling ball sized baby sitting on it. 

I got dressed for work, fed the dogs and decided I'd better go to the bathroom before I left. And again, my underpants were wet and it was definitely NOT pee this time. And working where I do I hear all the time of slow tear leaks in the placenta and women leaking amniotic fluid and being a pregnant woman who is already overly emotional and prone to jump to conclusions I immediately started fearing the worst. And without Jared around I tend to lose control of my emotions more quickly and have overreactions including crying over incredibly small things since I've been pregnant (it's the hormones I tell you). So I call the OB on call, who promptly calls me back and I tell her about my symptoms and she tells me immediately to go into L&D to get checked out. 

So now I really start freaking out because my husband is on another continent and I have no real way of communicating with him other than email and my parents were currently at their home in St. George for the week. I call my parents at seven AM (yes I leave for work that early) and my half asleep mother answers the phone and freaks out because I'm bawling on the phone telling her I'm going into L&D, they immediately pack up and start driving home probably around 90 MPH, and then I emailed Jared just 'call me ASAP, it's an emergency' because at this point I'm under the impression (that I came to by myself in retrospect) that I will be delivering baby TODAY. Because that's the only reason why the OB on call would tell me to go to L&D right? And the only thing I could think about the whole drive in other than 'it's too early' is 'I haven't packed a freaking hospital bag yet'. Yes I know, I was freaking out. I can tell that now, but at the time I felt like I was justified. Anyways.

I get to my hospital which is way to far to have to drive when you're freaking out and by yourself, checked into L&D very quickly (the OB on call had called to let them know to expect me which made it faster I think) and was immediately put on the monitors. Baby started waking up about then and was moving crazy lots and listening to his quick little heart beat on the monitor was very reassuring so I started calming down at this point. They asked me bunches of questions that I don't really think were pertinent to having a baby in my own personal opinion but OK. Mom and dad called soon after I arrived asking if I'd made it to L&D yet, which I told them I had and they could drive safely that at this point since I was in good hands. The nurse gave me some water to drink and I sat listening to my babies heartbeat while we waited for the tests if it was amniotic fluid to come back. This seemed to take forever. And when I say forever, it felt like hours whereas I know it was probably less than a half hour. When the results came back even the nurse who admitted me was surprised because she thought they would be positive, but they came back negative for amniotic fluid. Of course this was a huge relief because baby could cook longer. Diagnosis? Softening cervix preparing for labor and excess fluid from that. And then they sent me home. 

So at this point I've already called into work, raised a three alarm panic mode from my mom and dad, and I had no clue if Jared had even read the email yet. I drove home feeling more than a little stupid and like I overreacted, got home and emailed Jared that it was a false alarm. Just as I hit send my phone rings and it's Jared. Of course he was panicked thinking he's become a father from another continent, after I explained what happened as best I could over a crackly phone connection he felt better and the positive of it all was we were able to talk for a minute which was so nice. Once I finished talking to Jared and was able to get pulled together-crying and stress makes for frizzy hair and runny makeup-I headed into work for a half day since I hadn't been told I had to go home and rest. Thank goodness all my coworkers were supportive and my boss (who is very empathetic and was very concerned that I had no family in town for what could have possibly been an early delivery) said it's always better to be safe than sorry, I started feeling a bit less like a crazed pregnant lady and more like someone who is just cautious.

All in all the whole experience made for an interesting story and something I definitely learned from, but now everybody is waiting for me to go into labor like I'm a ticking time bomb so nobody is going out of town. I had a checkup appointment with my OB the next day who said he definitely didn't think I'd make it to my due date, and to take it easy. But just watch, I'll go past my due date although I really hope not. I'd be more than happy if baby made his appearance in November. Either way we want a healthy baby boy, and less dramatic of beginning of labor than my water breaking or leaking. And that is my (hopefully ONLY) emergency L&D trip before the actual event occurs. 

31 Weeks

Week:31

Weeks Left: 9

Stretch Marks: nada, which I'm very grateful for

Sleep: getting harder and harder. I wake up each time I turn over because it takes so much effort, I wake up if I'm laying on my back, and I wake up to go pee at least once during the night. But so far that's been my only real negative in this pregnancy and I'm grateful for it!

Heartburn: has definitely started to get worse, but can be controlled with a glass of milk in the AM and one in the PM, which is why I'm going through a gallon of milk a week-by myself. The funny thing is that spicy things don't irritate it as much as things that are cheesy and high in carbs. Like pizza. 

Cravings: my cravings have gotten incredibly unhealthy. Only fast food sounds good (Artic Circle in particular) which is really irregular because I normally HATE fast food places. Corn dogs, chicken fingers, pizza, and good thick fries along with fry sauce are incredibly tempting to me, which isn't what I want because I only want to gain so much weight during this pregnancy. So I'm trying to find alternative options that are more healthy.

Weight Gain: I'm up 20 lbs. which I'm sure my OB will be happy for but I'm not particularly. Another reason why I've starting watching what I'm eating more carefully because I don't want to gain more than 30lbs. total.

Clothing: I am beginning to be unable to fit into ANY of my pants or jeans (little man is laying really low). My every single day pants are leggings which I'm sorry, I know they're not technically pants but they comfy and dang it I'll wear what I want. I only have two pair and so I am currently washing them every week and definitely need to get a couple more pair.

Daddy: is probably more emotionally ready for this than mommy. But that's also because daddy works graveyards and won't be getting up with baby except on weekends. Mommy likes her sleep and is worried about loosing so much of it. However we are both very excited to welcome little one when he's ready! Only six more weeks until he's free to come anytime!!!

Love our little family!

24 Weeks

Week: 24

Weeks Left: 13 until full term, 16 until due date

Stretch marks: NONE yet!

Belly button: The biggest update of the week is that my belly button finally popped out. I don't feel like I've gotten much bigger, but apparently I have.

Sleep: Surprisingly sleeping through the nights has become more frequent, I haven't had middle of the night potty calls as much which is honestly nice to not have disturbed sleep. As much as I can get before he comes. However it's already become painful to sleep on my back which is how is my 'fall asleep position' so I'm going to have to train myself to fall asleep on my side.

Cravings: loving my Cafe Rio on a weekly basis if not more frequently. Basically whenever I can talk Jared into it. And ranch, if you give me a bag of chips and ranch dip I could eat the whole thing in one sitting...yes, healthy I know!

Weight Gain: Officially twelve lbs. gain. At least I haven't lost weight since my last appointment, the Doctor will be happy about that.

Clothing: Officially can no longer fit into ANY of my church clothes. I was able to make some of my longer dresses work until a couple weeks ago, now I officially need to go get some larger/longer dresses. This bump makes all my dresses about four inches too short in the front.

Daddy: Finally got to feel a really good kick from this mister about a week ago, which has been rare, since he wiggles more than kicks a lot. But the kicking is increasing so by the time he's ready to come out I may be bruised on the inside from him.

Big news this week: I graduated from college! Can't even begin to say how happy and relieved I am that its over and I don't have to worry about it anymore!!! Now I can focus completely on getting ready for this little one.

 With my dear sweet parents who paid and supported me through my college career,

and my wonderful husband. I think he was more excited about my graduation than I was!

And my huge-ish bump. I forget how big it is and frequently have difficulty getting through skinny spaces like I used to be able to. How can it get any bigger?!

Lie 3 of Pregnancy

This really is a lie of omission but still I didn't realize quite how much this would affect almost every other waking thought I have on a daily basis.

Lie 3: after week 13 you stop worrying about miscarrying.

It's true after week 13 my worries and stresses regarding miscarrying decreased. I didn't constantly check for bleeding when I went to the bathroom and I didn't worry about every little cramp.

When the little mister started kicking it was relieving because other women I knew had started feeling movement far earlier than I did so I started to get concerned about that. Since I started to feel him moving, being able to feel him move every couple of hours has been comforting and even though annoying when he decides to play or jump on my bladder it has been worth it.

No one prepares you for the fear that comes when you don't feel them move for an extended period of time. I will find myself at work distracted and thinking not about my job but about when the last time I felt him move was.

You see he is almost always moving rather strongly before and after every meal, and before I go to bed. Essentially I have almost always felt him by 10am. Which was why this past Sunday I started to get concerned when I hadn't felt him move all day and it was already 1 p.m. I turned to Jared in Sunday School and told him that I was worried and why, and not that he isn't empathetic or concerned about our baby but more his quick dismisal of my (what I thought as valid) concern was to help put into context the reality of the situation. I was having a practical  genuine freak out over not feeling him move all morning, and 'he was probably just sleeping'. Quite honestly I was about two minutes away from calling my OB's on call nurse with my concern and even contemplating making Jared leave to take me to instacare so someone could dopple my stomach to see if there was a heartbeat.

Thank goodness I have a farther-along pregnant friend who told me to eat something sugary and drink something cold and give him a bit to move before I really started freaking out. I did so (on fast Sunday, in Sunday School which definitely earned me plenty of dirty looks) and thank goodness he started moving pretty quickly afterwards.

But I can honestly say I have never felt such fear so intensly over something so small. In that moment I felt what I'm sure I can look forward to once this little babe decides to come into the world and every day afterwards: a mother's intense love. We have a name picked out (no you won't know until he's born) and I already have plans for the nursery (light gray with a triangle theme). We already have hopes and dreams for this little one, and I have already imagined all the sleepless nights walking the floor with him and comforting his cries. I look forward to how Adi and Aspen will be his overly protective big sisters-because that's how they are with other kids. I know Jared will fall in love immediately with this little him and when he's older will be taught to fly-fish, and all the important things of life (according to Jared that includes hunting and shooting). I can't imagine life without this precious soul as part of it and I know that that will never change.

Here's to some sanity as I wish the next 18 weeks away quickly so I can meet this little babe.

Cloth Diapering

Yes, I plan on cloth diapering. Let me explain. I have had so many people tell me I am crazy for wanting to cloth diaper. They all say, 'Oh, that'll only last a couple months' or 'You want to scrub poopy diapers?!' Anyone who grew up in the older times (my parents generation) saw their parents or even older siblings cloth diapering their children and let me tell you, the technology has GREATLY improved since those times. So it's been mainly my mother, and aunts telling me I'm nuts for wanting to cloth diaper. Because its true, I want to cloth diaper.

Not just for the financial benefits, but also for the environmental impact. I'm not a hippie by any means, although Jared says I'm becoming more granola as the years go by, but I definitely wouldn't want to deal with throwing away 15-20 diapers on a daily basis for the first six months. It just seems way way way to wasteful for my taste. Plus the idea of spending upwards to $200 a month on diapers is something I am not OK with. It's like throwing away your money, literally.

The main complaints of cloth diapering: having to deal with poopy diapers, the cloth diapers are inefficient in fit and fabric easily stains, the smell is awful, and it's inconvenient because of necessary soaking and scrubbing of the diapers.

Firstly dealing with poopy diapers doesn't bother me at all, and I think I can just chalk this up to my four years of CNA work. But also you don't really have to touch any poop more than you would if its disposable diapers, because the recommended practice is to have a hose hooked up to the sink and while holding the end of the diaper rinse the poop into the toilet and flush. Pretty non-poop touching if you ask me.

Secondly like I said previously cloth diapers have changed immensely in technology which has changed the typical ill fitting fabric which stains easily, to specific diapers that can fit snug-ly from birth to potty training and are made of anti-bacterial stain resistant fabric (minky). I am specifically planning on using Fuzzibunz Elite one size which, while costly to get started, are designed (and tested by many other mothers) as being the best fitting diapers for complete diapering until potty training. From all the mothers I have spoken to who have cloth diapered they say there is rarely ever blow-out's with this type of diaper, and if there are blow-out's they would happen in a typical disposable diaper as well. So if a blow-out is going to happen it will happen regardless of what type of diaper they are wearing.

Thirdly regarding the smell the same mothers I talked to noted that if you leave poopy diapers inside for any amount of time, it's going to cause the same smell as if you don't wash dirty cloth diapers on a daily basis either. Either way there is a poopy smell in the house, and the benefits of washing poop into the toilet immediately out of the cloth diaper will help get rid of the smell faster. I've heard of mother's using disposable diapers leaving them inside for a couple days before taking the trash out, so I think that would create more smell then cloth diapers because you have a limited number of diapers so you have to wash them on a daily basis essentially.

Fourthly the ages of having to pre-soak your diapers in buckets before washing the diapers in the washing machine and having to sit and scrub poop out of cotton cloth rags that had to be pinned around the baby is over. Because of the fabric of the new cloth diapers that are specifically not going to absorb poop, the majority of it rinses off into the toilet eliminating the need for scrubbing diapers. Also because of the bacterial resistant fabric no pre-soaking of the diapers in bleach is necessary.

Major plus's after doing my research on the realities of cloth diapering now is pretty obvious after debunking my mother's issues: they are do gosh darn cute!

Like this cute cow print one. I mean, come on, it does not get cuter than this!

Another huge bonus of cloth diapering is you are dramatically reducing the amount of harmful chemicals and possible rough fabrics from disposable diapers that can cause diaper rash and irritation on my tender babes bum. 

Lastly these cloth diapers are meant to last for multiple children. So the initial investment of $400-$500 can last through two to three kids. If you can stick through cloth diapering, it essentially reduces the amount you spend for each child's diapering. Two kids would mean $200-$250 apiece, and three would mean $134-$167 apiece.

For me it's a no-brainer. But we'll see how it goes after I go back to work. The one true downside is that I will need to be doing laundry on a daily basis. But I really plan on sticking it out even if it isn't the most convenient option like disposable diapers. The real question is, how will Jared fare?

p.s. a lot of my information on cloth diapering came from here.

Week 19

Week: 19

Weeks left: 21, almost halfway!

Stretch marks: none yet. Mom never got any with me and since they're half genetic/hormonal I'm hoping I don't get any!

Bathroom breaks: every hour and fifteen minutes. Without fail.

Sleep: a full eight hours with only one potty call around 3am.

Cravings: Cafe Rio has been what the baby wanted this past week. Less salty foods than the beginning of my pregnancy.

Weight Gain: only 12 lbs. I'm very proud of this!

Clothing: definitely in maternity wear, not because I wanted to but it honestly is so much more comfortable than trying to fit into my old shirts and pants.

Daddy: is very excited for our first real ultrasound this upcoming Friday so he can see his baby. I don't think it's really sunk in yet for him.

Cravings of the oddest sort

So far pregnancy has been filled with a couple odd cravings, but often times its really spur of the moment when I get hungry that's when I have previously been having intense cravings. Like "I need it right now" kind of cravings. Normally I've been craving pizza, or Leger's (sub place near our house).

But of late the strong cravings I've been having are for snack kinds of things, most strongly is root beer on a daily basis, and then today out of the blue I want Easy Cheese and Soda Crackers. Explain that? Most of the things I've been craving have had high salt content which is irregular for me because I don't like salty things at all normally and I never added salt to anything.

Cravings for week 16:
1. chips (BBQ, Salt and Vinegar, Doritoes, Cheetoes)-actually this has been the majority of my pregnancy so far
2. Anything with mustard on it-also been the majority of my pregnancy
3. Easy Cheese and Crackers
4. Cream Cheese and Wheat Thins
5. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream

I know this is so late but better late then never! Here is my 15 week update. I'm not going to lie, I've been awful about taking weekly photos. I promise I'll try to be better.

Thank You

I was very grateful for the love and support I received with coming out regarding our infertility on the blog on Monday. I honestly expected nasty comments about how we barely 'struggled at all' or 'were too stressed about it' because I've honestly heard those to my face from others before. I felt so much love and understanding and I really want to say thank you. To those that we associate with on the big blue known as facebook, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and outpouring of congratulations and compassion we received. Announcing was honestly incredibly scary while very exciting at the same time. Not a lot of people knew about our struggle except for a few chosen friends and the majority of our coworkers, and though they were the first to know and we had to announce sometime I honestly considered putting it off longer. It just felt like this huge expose into my soul and my pain throughout this journey. But again, thank you for your uplifting words they made my heart feel overwhelmed with love all day.

Secondly thank you to those who do follow this blog for being so patient as I wasn't posting from firstly lack of desire and secondly constant miserable nausea that made me want to stay in bed curled in a ball all day (don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for the nausea since it means a baby but it still isn't fun). A couple of friends informed me that a month was a bit to long to be away and so thank you for being patient. I'm back and going to try to not completely overwhelm you all with pregnancy/baby obsessions but I'm probably going to do it a bit. Maybe a lotta bit but I'll try to keep it under control.

And lastly again, thank you to those who supported us through this journey (you know who you are) you really kept me afloat and hopeful that it would happen sooner rather than later.

Thank you.

And now for your viewing enjoyment: my first belly photo

Ok, a bit of background on this photo: we are pretty darn positive there's only one baby in there (my OB double checked at our first ultrasound), and no that is not fat (I can still feel my abs and I've only gained 5 lbs. so far) but yes that's after lunch. I am very aware I look like I'm about 16-17 weeks for a typical first pregnancy, but the OB says I'm probably just carrying really far forward. 

In good news to report my nausea that started around week 7 has gone away almost completely-it comes in early morning and late night still-and my appetite has come back so I'm no longer living off gatorade, cherrios, or just cheetos. 

Now we can add cheese sandwhichs, spaghetti, and pizza. Much healthier right?! Jared thinks I need to be eating salads for every meal or something. He tried to convince the OB that my eating cheetos was going to kill the baby or severely make it handicapped but the OB sided with me on that one while I was super sick. I still can't even look at meat without gagging, but my edible food list has increased and I'm very very glad for that. Any suggestions moms and other pregnant women? Any good ways to get your protein intake? Because I am struggling with that.

In bad news to report since I have a history of migraines on a bi-monthly basis before being pregnant, now that I am pregnant I have one about every week or two. However I think I've pinpointed the migraines to following when I've had high salt intakes. For ex. one night we went to a movie, got a huge tub of popcorn of which I ate the majority and the next day I had a killer migraine. So I'm working on controlling salt intake closely.

So far that's the only huge major changes, other than the fact I can't fit into ANY of my pre-pregnancy pants and half my shirts either. Definitely time to go maternity shopping! Any cute places other than motherhood maternity?

I'd love lots of tips and advice cute mommas!

14 months, and 16 days

This past 14 months and 16 days has by far been the hardest experience of my life. I often contemplated on speaking out on our struggle with fertility, but I never truly had the nerve. I didn't want to classify myself as one of 'those' people. But in all reality I was and will probably always be one of those people who don't get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

The time of over 14 months was not only the hardest because of the obvious-we weren't getting pregnant-but mainly because of the underlying reasons. And while 14 months doesn't seem like a long time to struggle with getting pregnant, it was a daily challenge and burden I carried with me for the whole duration of that 14 months. I was crying on a weekly basis, sometimes everyday when someone else announced they were pregnant on social media. I cried when I sat in the doctor's office for what seemed like the billionth time seeing a gleaming pregnant woman walk in, I cried when I watched the movie 'What to expect when you're expecting' because I felt like I would never be on the other side of parenthood. I cried to Jared constantly, and when he got tired of my tears I cried to my girlfriends, and when they got tired of my tears I cried to my coworkers.

Medically what was happening is so important to understanding our struggle, so if it's TMI skip this paragraph. I have never really had a 'normal' menstrual cycle. And because the type of birth control I was on for the first year and a half of marriage made it so I didn't have a period at all, my system got completely messed up. When we went off the birth control in the beginning of 2012 I didn't have a natural period for three months. And a natural period only occurred every three months during our 14 months of trying. Because I didn't start having a period normally when we stopped the birth control the doctor gave me hormone medication to induce a period each month I didn't start naturally. The problem was that it was a 10 day course and that a period was supposed to begin within ten days of finishing the course of hormone medication. So I would sometimes go a month and a half or approximately fifty days without a period. Because I had such irregular periods since the majority had to be medically induced, it decreased our opportunities to get pregnant. About eight months after having started trying the doctor said that because we hadn't gotten pregnant yet and because I had had such irregular periods, I probably wasn't ovulating normally either so I had to go on medication to induce ovulation. But on the lowest and even a raised dosage of Clomid I didn't ovulate. It wasn't until 13 months after starting trying that I finally tested positive for ovulating on the absolute maxed out dose of the ovulation medicine. But we still didn't get pregnant.

On the emotional side it wasn't until about after seven months of trying that one day I realized not only was this so hard for me because it wasn't happening on my timeline, it was excruciating because I've always achieved whatever I put my mind to whenever I wanted something. It was out of my control. I could make my body run seven plus miles a day, but I couldn't make my body get pregnant. This was something I just could not will to be done and it was a very difficult inner battle. I practically stopped believing that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me, because why would he ever make me go through this? I stopped praying, I was too stubborn to yield because in my heart I felt that it had to be done on my grounds. I became resentful to every single pregnant woman I saw or heard on social media that was pregnant because I yearned to be them. I became bitter and unhappy. Even our parents (who we hadn't told we were trying) started to notice something was wrong. I'm pretty sure they all questioned Jared privately, but not me since I was a pretty apparent time bomb.

And then one day when I was crying (again) after a negative pregnancy result, it finally clicked. I knew why I was going through this trial, call it inspiration or the craze of the moment: I knew I was being spoken to through my heart. What I heard was that, 'this experience was to help me appreciate the tiny little souls that I would be sent to care for, more then I could ever imagine if I had easily obtained them without a painful preparation'. And I just felt the love that was sent with that message. I could feel tension coming out of my life in many forms. I stopped doing what 'I' wanted in my work life and home life, and started listening more closely to the spirit. The love and compassion had always been there, but because of my bitterness I had pushed them away.

The second hardest part of this experience wasn't until we hit our one year of trying when we were referred to an infertility clinic that I really started to give up. After an hour conversation crying sob fest with my OBGYN's nurse (where she even cried with me for a bit) I convinced her that 'just a few more months of the medication that helped me ovulate', because we weren't ready for the next step. She agreed but wanted to talk to the doctor to see if he would agree to max out the medication dosage since I hadn't had a positive ovulation test in the previous cycles on the medicine. He agreed and I took the medication. For the first time in 13 months I ovulated but I still got that ugly one line at the end of the month. I remember telling Jared that we would try for two more cycles and if it didn't happen we would take the next step.

The next month we were busy moving from our apartment and I stupidly thankfully packed the ovulation tests and since I didn't want to spend $50 on another set I decided we'd do without. This time felt different, I had come to accept that if it didn't happen now it would happen when it was supposed to or that maybe we needed more help. I was a lot less stressed because we were not at our awful old apartment, and I wasn't worrying about testing each day which I definitely think helped. And then I had a dream about a week before my missed period that I was holding our baby. It was one of the most spiritual dreams I had ever had, because I felt as if I was truly getting to know our child, I kissed them and loved them. When I woke up I just knew that this was a spirit child waiting for us. I told Jared about it, and how I felt it meant we were close to having a child. It still didn't sink in that it could be this month though, I just felt that it was down the road so when I told Jared two days after my missed period (which wasn't unusual for me because I hadn't had regular periods since we started trying) that I didn't want to take another pregnancy test and just have another negative result. Being the realistic man he is told me to grow up and go take it, so I did when I got home.

And I finally got those two little lines. Those two little lines that anyone trying to get pregnant crosses their fingers or holds their breath for after taking the test. After many many previous negative tests it took some real convincing that that really was actually a second line and not just my imagination. I called a fellow pregnant girlfriend who convinced me to take another with which I got another positive result. She reassured me, 'You're pregnant!' I told Jared as soon as he got home although it wasn't quite the reaction I was looking for-he thought they were negatives because the second line was so light. So I went to the doctor's for a blood test the next day, which was of course positive, and he finally got excited.

See the second line? Yeah I had to message this picture to my friend Alex so she could confirm that that was actually a second line.

A more scientifically easy test to read. Also what we told our parents with. Apparently peed on sticks aren't appropriate ways of telling people you're prego?

8 weeks-I'm now 12.5 weeks

Looking back I am grateful we didn't get pregnant before we did because now we will be able to be more settled financially before this little one arrives, and we will be more settled in our jobs, I'll be done with my Bachelor's, and Jared will be close to finishing his. It's funny how life turns out, but it definitely is meant to be in the Lord's time and in his way. I'm a completely different person now than I was when we started trying to have a baby, and I know I'm going to be a better mother because of my struggle getting pregnant. 

To all the other women out there trying to have a baby, I hope that you can be have the weight lifted, because it is a heavy cross to bear. I know that some of you may have struggled with longer terms of infertility, or even miscarriages and while I don't know what that feels like, I know what it feels like to desperately want a baby and to be unable to have one. And I know that you probably hate me just like I hated all those other pregnant girls, but I know that you don't mean it. And even if you do or just need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen I am more than willing, because I know what support I needed and how much of my burden friends were able to take. Don't lose hope even though that's easier to say than to hear. I love you, I have walked where you walk and my heart has hurt just as yours does.

To all the women who can get pregnant as easily as thinking about it, don't flaunt it. It just makes us other women secretly openly hate and detest you because that's really not something you should brag about, especially with so many women having struggles getting pregnant in this day and age. Be sensitive, thoughtful and grateful that you don't struggle with fertility, and remember to hold your little babies close and to always remember when they do something that makes you mad what a blessing they are. Don't take them for granted, because for every newly blessed mother there are probably ten others praying to get pregnant who can't.

Lastly to all the friends, family, and coworkers who were aware of our struggle and helped us (mainly Melissa) keep it together and sane: thank you for all your words of encouragement, thoughtful acts, and support throughout this entire experience. We couldn't have endured without you, and we're so grateful for the love we were shown this past year and a couple months. We're very grateful it wasn't many years struggling with fertility, and we're praying for those who have struggled with it for years.

Baby Smith expected 12-7-13.