Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Lie 3 of Pregnancy

This really is a lie of omission but still I didn't realize quite how much this would affect almost every other waking thought I have on a daily basis.

Lie 3: after week 13 you stop worrying about miscarrying.

It's true after week 13 my worries and stresses regarding miscarrying decreased. I didn't constantly check for bleeding when I went to the bathroom and I didn't worry about every little cramp.

When the little mister started kicking it was relieving because other women I knew had started feeling movement far earlier than I did so I started to get concerned about that. Since I started to feel him moving, being able to feel him move every couple of hours has been comforting and even though annoying when he decides to play or jump on my bladder it has been worth it.

No one prepares you for the fear that comes when you don't feel them move for an extended period of time. I will find myself at work distracted and thinking not about my job but about when the last time I felt him move was.

You see he is almost always moving rather strongly before and after every meal, and before I go to bed. Essentially I have almost always felt him by 10am. Which was why this past Sunday I started to get concerned when I hadn't felt him move all day and it was already 1 p.m. I turned to Jared in Sunday School and told him that I was worried and why, and not that he isn't empathetic or concerned about our baby but more his quick dismisal of my (what I thought as valid) concern was to help put into context the reality of the situation. I was having a practical  genuine freak out over not feeling him move all morning, and 'he was probably just sleeping'. Quite honestly I was about two minutes away from calling my OB's on call nurse with my concern and even contemplating making Jared leave to take me to instacare so someone could dopple my stomach to see if there was a heartbeat.

Thank goodness I have a farther-along pregnant friend who told me to eat something sugary and drink something cold and give him a bit to move before I really started freaking out. I did so (on fast Sunday, in Sunday School which definitely earned me plenty of dirty looks) and thank goodness he started moving pretty quickly afterwards.

But I can honestly say I have never felt such fear so intensly over something so small. In that moment I felt what I'm sure I can look forward to once this little babe decides to come into the world and every day afterwards: a mother's intense love. We have a name picked out (no you won't know until he's born) and I already have plans for the nursery (light gray with a triangle theme). We already have hopes and dreams for this little one, and I have already imagined all the sleepless nights walking the floor with him and comforting his cries. I look forward to how Adi and Aspen will be his overly protective big sisters-because that's how they are with other kids. I know Jared will fall in love immediately with this little him and when he's older will be taught to fly-fish, and all the important things of life (according to Jared that includes hunting and shooting). I can't imagine life without this precious soul as part of it and I know that that will never change.

Here's to some sanity as I wish the next 18 weeks away quickly so I can meet this little babe.

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