Sunday, June 29, 2014

On being a working mom

I honestly can say this is THE hardest thing/decision I have ever had to live with in my life thus far. When it was time for me to go back to work when Hilton was eight weeks old I was ready. I wanted to gain a normal schedule in my life again, and have outside contact with adults on a daily basis. I felt that I was good at my job and felt comfortably challenged at work. But after a couple months of being back to work I started having a really hard time going back to work on Monday's. I changed positions at my work and so my day off changed. With my new day off I had three day weekends which made going back to working on Monday even that much harder because it meant a full four days until I got to have real time with Hilton.

You see when I get home on a typical workday normally around six p.m. I pick up Hilton from my mom's or the nanny's and get him home by six thirty which is time for him to eat his evening solids. Then once we are done eating and have a bit of time to play, it's seven and time for bath. By seven thirty p.m. he's out of the bath, diapered, lotioned, and in jammies ready for me to rock him to sleep as he eats his nighttime bottle. And by seven forty five he's asleep in bed and I clean up the house. That's all the time I get with him monday through thursday because I leave the house by seven a.m. about fifteen minutes after he wakes up and gets his first bottle. So when thursday comes I give a sigh of relief that I finally get to spend quality time with him. And when sunday comes I groan that I have to go to work the next day.

However not every monday incites this kind of reaction. It's after the really good or fun weekends with him that I am not overjoyed to go back to work. But for example the weekend he had a cold and was cranky and fussy all weekend and no amount of coddling or cuddling made him happy by monday I was worn out and glad to be able to have a break. But then the whole day while I was at work I felt guilty I wasn't home with my sick baby.

And sometimes it breaks my heart to see him so happy to see grandma or the nanny when I drop him off in the morning. I can't lie that a part of me wishes he cried when I left so at least I left feeling like he was going to miss me while I was gone. I have spent quite a couple mornings crying on my way to work because of how happy he was when he got dropped off. But when we have wonderful weekends playing, tickling, and giggling I feel reaffirmed that he loves me dearly.

It's so hard to truly explain other than I know it's good for me emotionally and mentally to be working, but at the same time I wish I was that mom that could be a stay at home mom and be completely happy. It's not that I don't want more time with him, it's just that I need time away from him to feel like I am being useful in other ways as well. I honestly do hope that by the time we have our next baby, we will be financially stable so that I can stay at home and at that point I will be fulfilled in staying home fulltime as well. However working at this time makes our time even that much more precious, and special. I don't think he resents me for working, and I know it's good for him to be well socialized with others so that he isn't attached to just me and Jared or shy.

Deciding what to do in regards to working when you become a mom has definitely been the hardest most emotional decision I make each day I have to go into work. I reaffirm that decision every day I go into work and sometimes I really really don't want to. But the doctors I work for make it an easier decision and knowing that he is in good hands while I am gone makes it a bit easier as well. Typically if Jared or grandma is watching him I get sent pictures throughout the day, so I know what he's up to. That also helps ease my angst towards being at work instead of at home. I hope this issue won't always be an issue, it's gotten easier at least as he's gotten older and is a little less helpless as time goes on. I'm sure that will continue and hopefully once Jared has graduated and gotten daytime job or career position I will be able to stay home.

Six month checkup at the doctor's (also where I work), isn't he just the cutest?

No comments: